The Power of Communication: Talking to Others and Ourselves
Recently, I’ve been reflecting on the power of communication—both in how we communicate with others and, perhaps even more importantly, how we communicate with ourselves.
Why is good communication important?
Communicating with others is an imperative in all areas of life - and something that has fascinated researchers to understand what the impacts of good (and bad) communication are - a few examples
Workplace Performance: A study by Salesforce found that 86% of employees and executives cite lack of collaboration and ineffective communication as the primary causes of workplace failures.
Well-being: According to a survey by Mind Share Partners, employees who feel heard and understood by their managers are 62% less likely to experience burnout. Moreover, individuals who practice open and honest communication report a 50% decrease in feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Relationships: The American Psychological Association notes that about 70% of couples attending communication-focused therapy report significant improvements in their relationship satisfaction.
And as compelling as those data points are, I’m sure you can recognise examples where you have wanted to communicate something well, and didn’t quite land your message and inadvertently pissed someone off - or perhaps where someone has communicated with you - yet it later transpires that you got the wrong end of the stick
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
– George Bernard Shaw
How we unintentionally self sabotage our communications
Our communication can be significantly impacted by our internal saboteurs—those negative mental patterns that undermine our confidence and effectiveness. These saboteurs shape the way we interact with others and ourselves, often without us realizing it.
Take the Judge, for example. This primary saboteur criticizes us, others, or circumstances, fostering negative self-talk and judgmental attitudes that create a hostile communication environment. When the Judge is active, we might find ourselves overly critical of our own performance or unfairly harsh towards others, leading to strained interactions.
The Avoider is another common saboteur, causing us to shy away from difficult conversations. This tendency leads to unresolved issues and misunderstandings, as we might avoid addressing problems directly, hoping they will disappear on their own.
Then there's the Controller, which tries to dominate and control situations and people. This saboteur drives us to communicate in a way that is overbearing and stifling, often suppressing collaboration and mutual respect. Instead of fostering open dialogue, the Controller's influence makes communication feel more like a power struggle.
Understanding these saboteurs can help us recognise how they shape our communication patterns. By becoming aware of their influence, we can take steps to counteract them and foster more positive, effective interactions.
Positive Communication Techniques to Overcome Saboteurs
Effective communication is a vital skill that can be significantly hindered by our internal saboteurs. Here are some practical techniques to foster positive communication while addressing the language of saboteurs:
Replace Negative Self-Talk with Positive Affirmations
Saboteur Language: "I'm not good enough to handle this."
Positive Communication: Reframe your thoughts to focus on your strengths. Tell yourself, "I am capable and prepared to handle this challenge."
Practical Example: Before a big presentation, instead of dwelling on potential mistakes, remind yourself of your preparation and past successes. Say, "I’ve prepared thoroughly and am ready to share my knowledge."
Use "I" Statements to Express Your Needs and Feelings
Saboteur Language: "You never listen to me."
Positive Communication: Use "I" statements to take ownership of your feelings and reduce defensiveness in others. Say, "I feel unheard when our conversations are interrupted."
Practical Example: In a team meeting, instead of accusing a colleague of not paying attention, express, "I feel our ideas would be better communicated if we each had a chance to speak without interruptions."
Practice Active Listening
Saboteur Language: "They don't know what they're talking about."
Positive Communication: Engage fully in the conversation, listen to understand rather than to respond, and acknowledge the other person's point of view.
Practical Example: During a client discussion, instead of planning your rebuttal while they’re speaking, focus on their words. Reflect back what you’ve heard, like, "It sounds like you're concerned about the project's timeline. Let’s explore how we can address this."
Set Clear Boundaries with Kindness
Saboteur Language: "I have to do everything they ask, or they won't like me."
Positive Communication: Politely but firmly set boundaries to manage expectations and respect your limits.
Practical Example: When a colleague requests more of your time than you can spare, say, "I’d love to help, but I’m currently working on another priority. Can we schedule some time next week instead?"
Encourage Open Dialogue
Saboteur Language: "No one cares about my opinion."
Positive Communication: Foster an environment where open dialogue is encouraged, and all opinions are valued.
Practical Example: In team meetings, actively invite quieter team members to share their thoughts by saying, "I’d love to hear your perspective on this, Alex."
Effective communication, both with others and ourselves, is crucial for building confidence and maintaining healthy relationships. By recognising our saboteurs and practicing positive communication, we can enhance our performance, wellbeing and relationships.
Question prompts
What patterns in your own communication do you notice?
How often do your saboteurs influence your communcation style?
What language or words do you use with yourself that you’d never use with others?
And what small steps from above can you take today to work on better communication and connect more deeply with others?
I hope this blog post resonates with you and inspires you to start communicating more kindly and directly with yourself and others. If you would like to learn the tools of good mental fitness so you can enhance your communications I’d love to help - consider checking out the programme here