The Rubber Band Effect: How Personal Growth Works
Have you ever found yourself attempting to work towards some desired goal or build a sexy new habit but feel trapped in a cycle of self-doubt or overwhelm that things are not working out quite like you imagined? That despite your best efforts, to change or reach the target, you slip back into your frustrating old ways?
If so, you're not alone. In fact, I recently experienced a powerful breakthrough during a coaching session that left me feeling emotionally raw yet profoundly empowered. Today, I want to share with you the insights gained from this experience and the lessons learned along the way.
My Personal Growth Epiphany
It was about 10 years ago now (when I was introduced to the concept of Growth Mindset as part of my job at Microsoft) that I had my first big personal growth epiphany. The idea of simply believing in my capacity to learn new things (rather than my intellect and other abilities being fixed as Dr Carol Dweck describes) was a real eye opener. Since then, I’ve increasingly introduced myself to practices like meditation, journaling, and consistent self-reflection. It was my curiosity in these areas that also led me to coaching and the transformation from corporate employee to solopreneur.
Over the years I’ve applied (with varying levels of consistency) these techniques, and been able to realise significant growth and changes in my life, all in pursuit of becoming the best version of myself.
Yet, despite my efforts, recently I found myself grappling with feelings of inadequacy and frustration.
It was during a recent coaching session that these feelings came to a head. As I sat down to speak with my coach, I felt a lump in my throat and tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn't shake the sense of anguish that had been building inside me for weeks.
Despite all the work I'd done on myself, the different ways I was approaching my health, friendships, balancing work and life, I still felt like I was falling short—like I felt like I wasn't making the progress I desired.
Instead of offering myself loving kindness, and the type of warmth, empathy and support I would offer a friend who shared these sort of woes, I allowed my Judge and other Saboteurs to “hijack” my mind and beat me up with their cruel words.
My inner Judge offered:
“You’ll never be taken seriously as a coach if you carry on like this!”
“How can you expect your clients to trust you when you sit here a snivelling mess!?”
“Surely if all this 'personal growth’ stuff worked, you’d be making even more progress by now?!”
The Rubber Band Effect
My coach, who specialises in self-love and empathy, shared with me a powerful analogy that resonated deeply. She likened the journey of personal growth to stretching a rubber band.
The Rubber Brand Effect
Like a rubber band, initially, it requires effort to expand ourselves to new places. Yet, as we continue to stretch, it becomes easier and easier to reach new horizons. With too much tension the rubber band can snap. Even with the right level of tension, when it is no longer in place, the rubber band returns to its original shape.
This analogy gave me comfort during our session.
It reminded me that change happens in the doing, not just the knowing. Even when the rubber band pings back, it has been changed. It is easier now to stretch to places that were previously impossible for me. This perspective helped me bring "blameless discernment" to my efforts—evaluating them fairly but with kindness and support rather than self-judgment.
It allowed me to realise now matter what my Judge had said, that progress WAS there. I was being more patient, and kinder to myself in a whole host of ways, and that I’m still undoing decades of inner programming, cultural conditioning and societal expectations… phew!
Reflections on new insights
In the days following the coaching session, I found myself reflecting on the insights gained and the lessons learned. One of the biggest reasons I was allowing my Judge and other Saboteurs to beat me up was because I realised that part of their unhelpful narrative was about what you, (yes you! dear gentle reader), would think of me.
Instead I accessed my deeper inner wisdom of my sage and realised that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, but rather a testament to courage. Having the strength to acknowledge and address struggles is necessary. In fact it is the very act of sharing our struggles with others, that we engage our humanity
That's why I've chosen to share these lessons with you today.
Despite the discomfort and vulnerability writing this bought me, I know it may help someone who also has a harsh Judge that tells them their efforts are not got good enough (no matter what they do or how hard they try).
So, if you find yourself grappling with feelings of self-doubt and frustration on the path to your goals and dreams, know that you're not alone. I’ve no doubt you have been making more progress than you realise, and perhaps your rubber band has been stretched a little past where it feel comfortable, and you could use a hand getting to a more comfy spot.
In fact as I found with my own coach, having support and guidance from someone who can relate and is a few steps further down the road than you are, is the most wonderful thing of all.
If you’d like a complimentary coaching session to experience what working with me would be like, please see below