Managing Expectations: how to deal when reality doesn’t match the plan
Have you ever imagined how something would go—a job, a trip, a conversation—and found yourself utterly unprepared when it didn’t meet your expectations? We all create mental blueprints for how things should unfold, and when reality doesn’t follow the plan, it can leave us feeling frustrated, disappointed, or even stuck.
This week, I’ve been reflecting on the art of managing expectations—not erasing them but learning how to handle the gap between what we hope for and what actually happens.
Let me share a few moments from my life where expectations didn’t quite align with reality and what I’ve learned along the way…
1. Start by Checking in with Yourself
Sometimes, our expectations are crystal clear—anchored by promises or guarantees. Other times, they’re hazy, based on assumptions or wishful thinking.
On a recent trip, I was excited for a week of spiritual and personal growth. I envisioned quiet moments of reflection, journaling, and perhaps a little soul-searching. What I got instead was something entirely different—an adventurous, fast-paced experience with spontaneous challenges that tested me in ways I hadn’t anticipated. At first, I felt out of sorts, clinging to my unmet vision. But stepping back, I asked myself: What did I actually expect? Where did those expectations come from?
This kind of self-check-in is powerful. Ask yourself:
Were my expectations based on promises, or did I assume things would naturally go a certain way?
Is my upset tied to a real breach of trust or just a mismatch between hope and reality?
What about this situation is really bothering me?
2. Accept Your Feelings with Compassion
When expectations aren’t met, it’s natural to feel hurt, disappointed, or even angry. Allow yourself to feel those emotions without judgment.
Recently, I faced frustrating challenges with a rental property I own. I expected quick and thoughtful communication from the management team, but instead, I received vague, incomplete updates that left me unable to make decisions. My frustration quickly spiraled into annoyance at myself for having relied on them in the first place. But suppressing those feelings only made things worse.
Instead, I gave myself permission to sit with the frustration and acknowledge it. “Of course, I’m upset,” I told myself. “This is a difficult situation, and I’m doing my best to navigate it.” By allowing space for my feelings, I could approach the problem with more clarity.
3. Clarify What You Really Need
When your expectations are unmet, it can be easy to focus on what’s wrong. But underneath the frustration lies an important question: What do I really need from this situation?
In a job I had years ago, I expected regular mentorship and clear guidance from my boss. But over time, I realised that just simply wasn’t going to happen. Once I got past the disappointment, I asked myself: What do I actually need to succeed here?
In fact, it wasn’t micromanagement or regular check ins that simply share updates—what I was looking for was constructive feedback and occasional check-ins. Recognising that, I took ownership and scheduled those check-ins myself, with my boss and others whose input on my progress I valued, and that helped bridge the gap.
Reflecting on what you need helps shift your focus from what’s missing to what’s actionable.
4. Collaborate on Solutions
Once you’ve clarified your needs, it’s time to communicate. This might mean discussing your concerns with a boss, a partner, or even a travel companion to co-create solutions.
During my recent trip, I found myself feeling slightly off-kilter. I’d been expecting long periods of downtime, meaningful interactions and supportive encouragement - but the pace didn’t allow for it. Instead of stewing in disappointment, I had a conversation with a fellow traveler about how to incorporate quieter moments. Together, we brainstormed ways to balance the high-energy activities with a bit more calm—and I took a few things into my own hands by skipping a few activities - and it made all the difference.
Collaborating doesn’t just solve problems; it often fosters a deeper connection with others involved.
5. Advocate for Yourself (and others too)
Sometimes, unmet expectations reveal bigger issues that need addressing—not just for yourself but for others too. These moments can be opportunities to step up and make a difference, even if the results don’t fully align with your hopes.
In one role, I was disheartened by the lack of support for women in the organisation. I’d expected a more inclusive environment but found myself grappling with systemic inequalities, particularly in pay and advancement opportunities. Instead of letting the disappointment consume me, I decided to act.
I volunteered my analytical skills to gather insights on gender disparities within the company. What started as a personal effort evolved into a white paper outlining tangible steps the organisation could take to create more equity. I also used the momentum of a company-wide initiative to advocate for several of my female colleagues to have their pay aligned with male counterparts in similar roles.
Not all the changes I proposed were implemented, and the process didn’t always yield the results I’d hoped for. But I learned that taking action—even in imperfect circumstances—can plant the seeds for long-term impact. It was a powerful reminder that while we can’t control everything, we can contribute to meaningful change when we step up and speak out.
When advocating for yourself, be clear and constructive. If change isn’t possible, consider whether it’s time to move on.
The Bottom Line
Life rarely goes exactly as planned. Whether it’s a trip, a job, or a relationship, managing expectations isn’t about lowering your standards—it’s about staying resilient and resourceful when reality takes an unexpected turn.
By checking in with yourself, accepting your feelings, clarifying your needs, collaborating on solutions, and advocating for change when necessary, you can navigate those moments with grace—and maybe even find new opportunities in the process.
Have unmet expectations taught you something valuable recently? I’d love to hear your thoughts